


The box in the drawer

by thebattlingbard



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-01
Updated: 2015-02-19
Packaged: 2018-01-21 13:09:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1551602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebattlingbard/pseuds/thebattlingbard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CJ is going through her memory box as she does every year when celebrating the time she and Abbey declared their love for each other, this also gives her a change to reminisce over past events both good and bad,</p><p>Each chapter will be a different object with a different story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Punctuation isn't my strong point but I am trying to be better, hopefully writing fics will help with that. Thanks for your patience.

Show: The West Wing  
Paring: CJ/Abbey  
Rating: PG  
Disclaimer: I don’t own these awesome characters I’m just playing with them  
Description: CJ is going through her memory box as she does every year when celebrating when her and Abbey declared their love for each other. Each chapter will be a different object  
Inspiration: Chely Wright

The box in the drawer

CJ was sitting at her desk staring at the clock, just as the numbers turned from 23:59 to 00:00. She got up and walked over to the table in the corner and poured herself a stiff drink. Raising the glass she said to herself “Happy 10th of December Abbey”. December the 10th a date celebrated and commiserated by CJ for the last the five years. This was the date that she and Abbey finally were brave enough to share their feelings for each other, this was the date that changed everything. With her drink in hand she walked back to her desk, bent down and opened the bottom drawer. She reached in and pulled out a box, a box that lives in that drawer year after year, this box contains mementoes of their secret life, to anyone else it would be a shoebox full of rubbish but to CJ it may well contain the crown jewels , she strokes the top lightly and smiles gently. It’s funny she doesn’t even have to open the lid to remember what’s inside but she does any way out of respect for December the 10th.

Each item inside is a reminder of a happy time; some are even reminders of a sad one. Like the stolen key card for that hotel in New York where she was meant to have a weekend with Abbey all to herself, sure they did have some time but mostly that weekend was taken up with first lady duties. But the item found in the box that was most precious of all to CJ, was a flyer for a Rock the vote campaign night that she was the master of ceremonies for or as Abbey like to call her the “mistress of ceremonies” for someone who was really witty with sarcasm, jokes were never her strong point. This was the night that Abbey while under the influence of one too many, and it really was just one, of CJ’s Grasshopper cocktails, told her that she loved her but because the music was too loud CJ didn't hear what she said so out of  
politeness, laughed. That of course did not go down well with the slightly drunk first lady who ,in a fit of anger, stood up and promptly lost her balance and fell back into the seat, got up again and managed to storm out of the room. 

CJ ran after Abbey following her into one of the VIP chill out areas on the second floor. Jeez! She could barely get out of her seat but managed to climb two flights of stairs like a regular mountain goat. CJ had managed to memorise the whole of that conversation and she leaned back on her seat, twirling the flyer in her hand and recounted the conversation in her head.

'Abbey, what’s wrong? Why did you storm out like that?' 

' Like you don’t know CJ, like you don’t know!'

' I'm not a mind reader Abbey, you need to tell me'. 

CJ remembered Abbey raised her voice when she said

' I told you' that then she said with a whisper

'That I loved you and you just laughed at me. Laughed!'

CJ looked shocked 'My God Abbey, Abbey I didn't hear you I just didn't want to you to think I was ignoring you. I didn't hear you Abbey.'  
CJ smiled as she remembered that she took the first ladies hand 'I didn't hear you'. 

Abbey replied embarrassedly 'Well don’t I feel foolish not only did I storm out like a petulant child; I just confessed my love for my husband’s Press secretary while in a drunken haze. A drunken haze which could be handy tomorrow if you don’t want to remember this conversation you could just pretend that I was just talking drunk and forget what I said' 

'But I don’t want to forget what you said Abbey, sure I would like to have heard ‘I love you’ under other circumstances but that doesn't stop me wanting to hear it at all. For so long Abbey, I have loved you and have rehearsed many times a conversation like this; CJ smiled her big wide smile and said with a giggle, but with less alcohol!'  
'Well the alcohol was your fault, I mean just what the hell did you put in that Grasshopper? But, regardless, it made me brave but that bravery could come at a price.'  
'I'm not asking anything from you Abbey, I know the situation. It breaks my heart but I understand.' 

'I think I'm going to be sick'

'Yes, me too but there’s nothing we can do'

'No, I'm going to actually be sick'

CJ remembers franticly dashing to the corner of the room to get the wastepaper basket and holding back the first lady’s hair as she threw up the remainder of that nasty looking Green cocktail. And she smiled as she remembered telling Abbey that it was time that she went to bed and Abbey, being Abbey, made some sarcastic comment about this not being the right time for that stage in our relationship. A tear slowly runs down her cheek as she recalls Abbey’s use of the word ‘Relationship. She called it a relationship. 

 

End of part one


	2. La douleur exqquise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CJ takes a letter out of the box and has a read

CJ reaches into the box and pulls out a letter, opens it and begins to read the words that she has read so many times before but each time is still like she is reading them for the first time.

_My darling Claudia Jean,_

_I’m writing this whilst Jed is asleep and I can’t sleep and the reason is the same as always and that reason is you. My dearest CJ I am in love with you and it hurts. Have you ever heard the term ‘La douleur exquise’? it means the heart wrenching pain of wanting someone you can’t have. That, my sweet, is how I feel, I have heart wrenching pain because of you but I would rather have this pain and have you in my life the way you are now than have no pain and no you. You lift me to higher ground. When I see you standing in the press room laughing and joking with the journalists I imagine that is just me and you in that room and it is me that you are laughing with, I love to hear you laugh it makes my heart smile. You will never see this letter but I just had to write it, I just had to let all my pain and all my desire out onto the page and then perhaps it will go away but the problem is I’m not sure I want it to go away. My desire for you is such a part of who I am that I fear if it goes then much of me will go too because you are just as much a part of me as Jed is which might be hard to understand since I’m married to him and not to you but when he and I are making love I very often think that it is you that I’m making love with. I imagine it is your lips I am kissing, it’s your lips that are leaving trails all over my body, you start kissing my lips and you continue downwards as you kiss my chin, my neck, my breasts, my stomach, the inside of my thighs and then...... well, I’ll keep where you kiss next to myself even if you will never read this I like to keep somethings just in my head._

_I sometimes pay a visit to the West Wing just to see you and only you. Sure I have ‘excuses’ for why I’m there but truthfully it’s just to see you, to spend some time breathing in your perfume, hearing your laugh, there I go again, coming back to your laugh but that laugh is like the elixir of life I need to hear it in order to continue breathing. The other night I snuck down to the offices in the middle of the night and stood outside your office, you were still working and I wanted to see you work when you don’t know I’m watching. You, my darling, where having a conversation with your goldfish and it just made me smile the broadest smile I have ever smiled. Not just because you were chatting to a fish but it was what you were saying that made me smile, you were talking about an unrequited love that you had and how it would change everything if she were to find out. If SHE were to find out, CJ the arrogant side of me wishes it was me that you were talking about and for the remainder of this letter I will at least pretend that it is me. My darling, we truly have a love that ‘dare not speak its name’ because for us in doing so would unleash holy hell and cause so much hurt and pain._

CJ stopped reading and folded the letter gently over and placed it onto the desk and began to remember how she got hold of this letter in the first place. Abbey had given it to her on their first anniversary of their secret relationship, they had been talking about the time before they go together and were sharing their experiences of being attracted to each to each but not being able to say anything to each other for fear of rejections. It was then that Abbey got up of the floor and walked to the dresser in the corner of the room, she reached down to the 2nd drawer and pulled out a box, this was where CJ got the idea for her box in the drawer, she took it over to CJ, opened it and lifted out a whole bunch of correspondence she sifted through the pile and pulled out a blue envelope and handed it to her press sectary lover. “This, my sweet” she gave CJ a big smile and reached over to stroke her cheek with the back of her hand “ is how I coped with you, it’s not a perfect way to cope but it worked for me’ “I’m slightly embarrassed about what is written here, I feel exposed’ she continued “ but I want you to have it, to read it and hopefully you’ll see just how important you have been to me, long before we got together’ as she hands the letter over she gives her a tender kiss on the lips. CJ recalled how she took the envelope as if it was made from the most delicate of material, it was like her hands knew how important this piece of paper was. She unfolded the letter again and began to read the rest.

_I was really angry at Jed today, I mean really angry. I really could have thrown things at him, but don’t worry, I didn't. The thing is, darling, it wasn't really him I was angry at. It was me. I was angry at myself. I hate being this other person, this other person that is pretending that she is 100% happy with her life the way it is now or, at least, the way it appears to be. Perception is an odd thing, don't you think? Being the First lady I have to keep up appearances that everything is wonderful in my life and that marriage to the great Jed Bartlet is perfect, well, almost perfect after all the public aren't stupid and they realise that no marriage is perfect, especially when married to a man that has hidden serious illness from them. The problem in our relationship is this, I feel lonely. Which is ridiculous given how many functions we have to attend and how busy I am with my own work. But the fact is still a fact, I’m lonely. It’s a loneliness driven out of being in love and knowing that you can’t be with that person, it’s a loneliness driven out of wanting to be with you CJ. When I’m actually alone in a room I like to close my eyes and think about what it would be like for you to hold me in those long,strong arms of yours. Just to be held by you would make that loneliness melt away. Or when Jed is helping me to zip up my dress or put on my necklace, it is you that I imagine doing those things, I also image you giving my neck a gentle kiss and then I smile despite myself and Jed will ask what I’m smiling at. It’s those little things that get me through each day, little thoughts of you, I like to ask my self what you would do in certain situations, would would she think of this meal? This wine? This film? There are days when my thoughts are so filled with you that I sometimes wonder if I have any thoughts of my own. I realises that sounds a bit odd and possibly at bit obsessional but it’s the only way I can have you in my life the way I want you in my life. Having you as my ‘imaginary’ girlfriend is better than not having you at all. Right? Of course there is the matter of my marriage and it could be argued that even thought you aren’t really my lover ( those words were painful to write) that you are, somehow, implicate in my cheating on my husband._

CJ hated re-reading that last part, ‘implicate in cheating on my husband’ as it made her feel guilty despite the fact that, at that time, the ‘affair’ was all in Abbey’s head and CJ had no control over that. Abbey had no right to make her feel guilty but then she remembered that she wasn't meant to see this letter at all. She continued reading

_But this is all conjecture really as nothing is happening between us so we can’t really be cheating….can we? I mean it’s not like I’m physically doing anything wrong, but, mentally I am, mentally I’m cheating everyday. And if we’re getting technical guess I do cheat physically too sometimes because sometimes the thought of you is to much for me to handle and I have to get some release and I would rather get that release on my own than with Jed because that way it seems like I'm being true to you and can imagine that it is just you and me together and even though you aren't there afterward and you aren't there when I open my eyes that is better than seeing Jed there to spoil the fantasy. You see for that time you are all mine, mine and no one else's. And I am yours, yours and no one else's._

A single tear rolls down CJ’s left cheek as she reads the letter she can feel the pain that Abbey must have gone through, the silent torment, the angst. But at the same time she can feel the love that Abbey had for her,and still has; thankfully. The tear was also for Jed the unwitting 3rd wheel, the husband with the wife who’s heart belongs to another. And it’s Jed that she knows, as she has read this letter so many time before, that she is about to read about, so she took a large gulp of her whiskey and continued.

_Sweetheart, I’m married woman and for the most part I’m happy with that but, I happen to be in love with two people. Two people that make my heart skip a beat every time I see them and one of them takes my breath away every time she walks in the room. I need to find a way of living with this. If we ever got together it’s important for you to know that I would never leave him. I love him too. Our marriage isn't a sham but it does seem to be unconventional and not just because he’s the leader of the free world. How can it not be unconventional when the wife is in love with another woman? This seems like such a heavy burden to carry at the moment, this ‘heart wrenching pain’ and I feel so selfish as I want to tell you exactly how I feel because my heart tells me you feel the same and I want to tell Jed as it’s such a big secret to keep from him, this isn’t like keeping his birthday present a secret, this would turn his world upside down, but it would mean that I no longer have this burden to bear all by myself. Not that you are a burden, no, never that, but the secret is, my secret is. The chance to talk to someone about you is something I want more than anything, normally if I needed to talk I would turn to you when we have our nights in the residence and we've certainly put the world to rights many a night there, haven’’t we? Of course, those nights mean so much to me because I have you all to myself for a while, no Jed, no Leo to disturb us. If I was brave I could mention my love for you to you and then, perhaps, our nights at the residence will be filled with more than chat but I’m not brave and that breaks my heart. So for now, my darling, you stay my imaginary lover. We're safe in my imagination and we can live our lives together there. And I, in the 'real world' will have to be content with sneaking glances at you when you're not looking._

_My love grows deeper and stronger for you_ _everyday._

_Abbey_

  
CJ hated to read about how much Abbey loves Jed, sure she knows she does that much is obvious and she loves Jed too but the bottom line is it’s Jed that is in the way. It’s Jed that is stopping her and Abbey from being together as a proper couple. In some way though CJ liked the sneaking about, she liked the discretion and the secrecy, she actually liked having a secret than know body knew about. She never thought that she would ever be someone’s ‘bit on the side’ someone’s ‘mistress’ but now that she is she finds it exciting but she does hate herself because of that. CJ can’t believe that she is actually implicit in someone cheating on their husband, she wasn't raised to be a cheater but when it comes to Abbey all her common sense just flies out of the window. CJ folds the letter back up, puts it back in the box and picks up the next item.

 


End file.
